Leave People Better Than You Found Them

     Being single has meant "getting to know" quite a few guys. Sometimes I only have a few conversations with one and other times we spend months investing our time and energy seeing if we might be a good match. Being single has also meant being ghosted by some of said guys. Recently I was ghosted by a guy with whom I seemed to have hit it off, talked to quite a bit, and had plans to meet in person. "Confused" would be an understatement. "Hurt" would be appropriate. "Disappointed" and "teetering on hopelessness" would be accurate. I have choked back tears today trying to make sense of why he would do this and how someone could do this. (And in case you're wondering, as I was, yes - I have confirmed that he is still alive.) Was I not interesting enough? Did he meet someone else? Is he in a great deal of personal distress? I will likely never know, despite writing him and asking for an answer. 

     I won't lie: it's days like today that I fight a great deal of hurt and frustration towards not just the one man who has failed me but all who have failed to communicate and treat me as a sister in Christ. My friend's words come to mind from time to time in relation to guys who I don't end up marrying: how can I leave this person better than I found him? It's a helpful, reorienting thought when I really just want to give them a what for and be on my way. Can I look back on the entirety of our communication - even at the very end - and know that I treated them the best that I could? How would things have ended differently if he had the same thought? We could have been genuine friends with nothing but goodwill and charity towards each other. And while I do desire to still have those those sentiments towards him, there is now the painful and kind of awkward canyon of unanswered questions and degradation between us, should we ever meet and even if we don't.   

     Leave people better than you found them. Make the decision with no regrets. These two pieces of advice have saved me from speaking in anger in the name of "seeking clarity" or "rebuking." Sure, my hurt is justified. Being treated like you don't exist by someone who seemed to care for you feels really awful. It makes me doubt that there is even one good man left out there. It makes me scared to trust someone in the future, it makes me suspicious of every guy who seems nice, and it makes me want to brace for inevitable pain...which isn't really a good way to live at all. It is challenging to find the right balance between knowing that guys who ghost women do need to be called out on their incredibly unkind behavior with also wishing them well, covering it in love, and letting it go. 

     At the end of the day, I hurt, but I know that I tried to leave him better than I found him. I genuinely hope that some of the conversations we had stick with him as edifying or encouraging. I am sad that I cannot often say the same of guys after they choose to ignore me. But, it's helpful and comforting to think that maybe God used me somehow in their lives. I do truly hope that there was something in our communication that pointed them to the Lord. I am thankful for the reminder that God puts into my head to leave people better than I found them. I fail to do this often, and it's sobering to think that the impact I've had on some people has harmed them more than helped and blessed them. Sometimes God works despite me, and sometimes He works through me. Even in relationships that end painfully, I hope that is most often the case. Each of us has a great impact on others, whether we realize it or not. I was struck by this today as I choked back tears and ran errands, and the employee of a business gave me far more help and kindness than she needed to. You have a great impact on someone when you ignore her. You have a great impact on someone when you speak a word of kindness even when you don't have to. Leave people better than you found them.