Lessons in 2024

     A few months ago, I flipped through journal entries from 2022. I was flat on my back emotionally at the time, having just been crushed by another heartbreak. In my defeat, I ended on a note of trying to be hopeful by saying that I was praying for someone who was truly godly, gentle, honest, and loving - even though I didn't think anyone like that existed. 

     Fast forward to February 19th, 2024 when I walked in a coffee shop to give a first date a try. Guarded and unsure, I sat across from him for a non-stop three hour conversation, but went away stressed at the prospect of getting hurt again. Over the next few weeks and months, my brick wall and pessimism crumbled and as I got to know him, they transformed into love and trust. Now I am marrying this first date in just 54 days.

     I would not truly appreciate him if I had not waited for him so long. I would not thank the Lord for him as much if I felt entitled to a godly man. 

     Tim Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, talks about how the love of a spouse has the power to redeem your past. Though we aren't married, I know what he is talking about. Those long, unending years of disappointment, waiting, and loneliness do not seem as long now. The flashbacks of gut-wrenching pain do not hurt the way they used to. 

     Often times on social media, you'll see a happy announcement with the caption, "God is so good!" Since its beginning, I have felt weird and hesitant about saying those words regarding this wonderful relationship. I don't ever want it to sound like He's good NOW that my prayers are answered and I have a man. He was good before then and I knew it, even when I didn't see it. I've been worried that if I say those words, I will unintentionally promote some kind of prosperity gospel message as if to say, "Look at how good God is because of what He's given me." 

     What an odd thing to wrestle with. I know that I should be able to say "God is so good" at all times and not feel weird about it. What I'm coming to understand more and more is that God isn't primarily good because I have a really incredible gift. He is good because He heard every single prayer I prayed in my 20s. He is good because He wiped my tears away and bottled them up. He is good for a lot of reasons that don't have to do with my circumstances at all. But I have learned this year that blessings are a sign of His goodness, too. My newer circumstances of happiness and answered prayers have been a visible sign to me that He heard me, He knows me, He loves me, and He saved the best gift for last. He knows that I longed for a visible sign of these things, and He answered - quite lavishly. He's chosen to be so kind to me in a way that I can see and experience. 

     Being engaged to the most caring person I've ever known has reenforced to me that God actually does hear prayer. When I wrote in my prayer journal asking for a "godly, gentle, honest, loving" husband for years, sometimes I felt like a fool for asking for the same thing so many times. I had wrongly convinced myself that it was a worthwhile spiritual endeavor, but I doubted that He would actually answer. I also prayed some very specific prayers for specific things regarding a man and a relationship, and God answered them. I couldn't believe it when I found one of those old prayers and realized that the man I'm going to marry is without a doubt all the specific things I asked for as well as so many things I didn't know to ask for that have blessed me tremendously.

     God is so good, and I am so thankful.