Kindnesses

     A desire to feel God's love and to have hope are two things that I have prayed for many times in the last six months or so. I have longed for those things. Where they could have been, there has instead been a certain kind of numbness and a sad hopelessness that there will never really be anything beautiful to enjoy or look forward to again.  

     The last few weeks, my prayers have been answered. 

     I had a birthday - a birthday that I started praying about months ago. I was fearful that it would be an emotionally hard day, one in which I stuffed down tears and tried to put on a brave face. But instead, I had a picnic with my family in a beautiful grassy area. We walked around a picturesque town during golden hour laughing, being serenaded by a trombonist, watching trains go by, and feeling a beautiful breeze. We ate ice cream, and there was nothing about it that I would have changed. I felt God's kindness, and I felt His love. The next day, my actual birthday, was mostly spent feeling yuck with a bug, but I opened presents, sat outside with family, and ate a chocolate cake made by Mom and my three year old nephew. It was honestly a good day, and I was thankful. I couldn't help but notice the grace in that. 

     Three days later found us in the mountains of North Carolina for a retreat. I had been apprehensive about this trip for weeks, just imagining myself lost in a sea of new people feeling unknown and lonely. But on the way home, I realized that all of my prayers had been answered. I had met people and made friends. I was encouraged by conversations and sermons. People had reached out to me and new relationships were formed. I even had the bravery to put myself out there and initiate conversations with strangers; something that is really hard to do sometimes. It was actually a little better than I had even hoped. I felt God's kindness, I felt His love, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I felt...hope.