February

     A torrential downpour of feelings appeared from out of nowhere yesterday. I wasn't expecting to spend most of the day weeping, surprised by the reappearance of emotions over things that I thought were put in a folder named, "The Past." You roll your eyes at quotes like, "grief isn't linear" until you experience that grief is, in fact, not linear. 

     I want to put that "The Past" folder on a shelf in the closet and only pull it out when I think I'm strong enough to handle it - or better yet, leave it there for good. But that's not how real life works, and sometimes your mind takes you to places before you realize that you're sitting in a puddle, staring down at reflections of pain and sadness over things that shouldn't have happened. 

     I hated my inability to stop crying, the sadness of it all, the memories. I hated wanting to be completely  moved on yet very much not. 

     So I cried and cried some more. Tried to talk to God honestly, even though there wasn't much to say. He's heard it all before, but I said it again anyway. I banked everything, as I often do, on the fact that He's in control, He has a plan, and I'm going through this for a reason. 

     I went to bed and woke the next morning, and the downpour had stopped. Just like I had nothing to do with its arrival, I played no part in its departure, either.