2021

     So many thoughts swirling in my head yesterday and today as we left one year and entered another. Many of those thoughts expose the self-absorption that's sadly in my heart. For every, "What was your happiest moment of 2021?" answer on social media, I was met with a pang in my chest as I thought about the fact that I didn't even have a happiest moment.

     Or did I? 

     God has been working in my heart today. As I made a list of all the significant things that happened throughout the year (something I didn't want to do for fear that it would make me sad),  I was taken aback by the reality that more good than bad things happened in 2021. Though I have focused on the painful - and yes, very significant - sufferings in the last few months, I was convicted today that God gave me a good year, and I haven't even had enough perspective to be thankful for it. 

     I took two more classes and finished a program, enabling me to officially become a certified biblical counselor. I was blessed with another niece who has brought so much love, comfort, and joy to my life almost every single day since April. I was blessed with the ability to pay cash for a great car that has proved to be reliable. I traveled to two new states and got to climb to the top of not one, but two stunning waterfalls and feel the spray of their cool water on my face. I gazed at a mountain and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I got to lay on a beach for days, listening to the roar of waves while doing absolutely nothing but resting and enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin. I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a friend who has been such a gift from God. I photographed an engagement, a family, a wedding, and started doing photography for my company, providing clarity that yeah, I really do like taking pictures and maybe God wants me to do more of that. I got a raise and confirmation that I want to stay at my job. I went to parties with people I've known for most of my life and we celebrated good things, surrounded by food, drink, and beauty. I completely burned out in the fall and had a few meltdowns, which led to quitting two side jobs - a decision that has led to more happiness and better quality of life. During the dark weeks that I wrote about in my last post, God gave me a new and deeper love for His word. It came alive, warmed and comforted my soul, strengthened my faith and spirit. It got me through some of the most devastating moments of my life. The love He gave me for His word during that time has not lessened, and that's a priceless gift, every single day. I got a haircut that I actually liked and a beautiful new bookshelf to help tame my overflowing library. I feasted on 46 books! I started a paint by number in the name of "needing a hobby." On the last day of 2021 (yesterday) I fell off of a shelf in the closet, and my sister and I laughed so hard that we cried. 

     2021 held death - death of a beloved Grandfather and death of a relationship, dreams, and hopes. Among all of the painfully stupid or cheesy New Year inspiration floating around the internet, today I was reminded by an author to, "remember that every ending is a beginning." And maybe I'm grasping for inspiration right now, but I do believe that she is right. It gives me hope to think that the painful deaths in my life can also lead to new things, and I can look forward to the future while also grieving what was lost. 

     I am learning that there is not a competition between good things and bad. I will admit that for the last few years, I've been waiting for the scales to tip and for the good things in my life to outweigh the bad ones. Can I get a break please, Lord? But He is slowly showing me that the fact is, I haven't had more bad things than good things happen to me. I have just focused on the hardness of the bad ones. Maybe that's partially my temperament, my disposition, my frail and sensitive heart. But maybe it's also because it is easy to focus on my wants and dreams instead of laying down my life. It is easier to seek to be in control and to have a victim mentality instead of a grateful, everything-in-life-is-a-gift one.

     I had the realization in 2021 that I have never cried happy tears. Only sad ones. And that made me a bit sadder. I pray for a day when something happens to cause tears of joy or disbelief that life can be that good. I think it will happen. But for now, I'm choosing to make more of an effort to do what I should have done all along - give thanks in all circumstances, pray without ceasing, and learn to be content in every situation. And who knows - it's very likely that learning those things will lead to an unexplainable fullness of joy that brings tears of happiness to my eyes. I've gotten tastes of it - I know it exists.