Elim Is Coming.

     The past several weeks have been marked by a devastating disappointment and the end of what I thought was the beginning of all my prayers and dreams come true. 

     Again.

     I can say with the Psalmist that my tears have fed me day and night. A recurring thought that has come to mind is, "How can this be happening...again?"

     I practically begged God to keep this one from ending like previous ones. This one had to be different. There's no way that someone can go through so many disappointments and heartbreaks as many times as I have. I thought to myself and even voiced to someone: "I don't think I can go through another one." I really didn't. There's no way that I could endure it. I had hit my limit of excruciating pain. Surely God knew that.

     He heard every plea, and did not answer according to my will, but His. 

     This was my nightmare, and I'm living it. The one outcome I couldn't bear to even imagine is the one that came true. 

     Why? Why, Lord? On one level, I just don't know, and I might never know. But on another level, I understand why this is happening. The heartbreaks of the past have taught me enough to understand that there is purpose in this. It doesn't make it easier on those days where you're just struggling to get through each moment, having to make an effort to breathe deeply because your chest is in so much pain. It hurts because it's supposed to hurt. 

     This time was different. On the one hand, it was harder because the relationship had been easier. It was more painful because the relationship had been more peace and joy-filled. It was more devastating because the relationship had held so much hope. But on the other hand, I had trained for this. Difficult seasons in the past were just a trial run for this, the heartache that put other heartaches to shame.

     People speak of dying grace - that grace that God gives only in the moments preceding death when it is so desperately needed. And the same is true, on a smaller scale, for this pain. As my nightmare came to fruition, there has been nightmare grace. 

     That grace involved many prayers on my behalf. That grace involved so many tears that my skin was left red and cracking. That grace involved reading, crying, and praying the Psalms for weeks on end. That grace involved a friend meeting me on my lunch break to listen, cry, and pray. That grace involved another friend bringing food to my house when I had no appetite, with an abundance of gifts and reminders that God cares. That grace involved a pastor who visited and encouraged, prayed, and read a Psalm to me. That grace involved yet another friend - who has barely spoken in the last few years - to ask if I was okay, and to pray for me. That grace involved the right words at the right time. It involved godly, gentle counsel. It involved unusual, surreal focus while reading God's Word, and therefore, unusual comfort. The list goes on. 

     "There is always Elim after Marah," I was told, three days after the end. But what if every Marah is followed by another Marah? I didn't have the bravery to ask it out loud. But even though I want to believe that Elim is around the corner, how can I, when my track record has so obviously communicated the opposite?  

     I believe, Lord - help my unbelief. 

     This time was different. In the past, my grief has orbited around questions: Does God care? Is this punishment? Why am I being singled out to suffer like this? When will it end? Will anything good ever happen? Will my prayers be answered? But thank God, this time I haven't had those questions. I know the answers, and God has truly been my faithful friend through this. I haven't wondered where He is because I know without a shadow of a doubt that He's been here, with me. In fact, I've been genuinely thankful for many things, despite the great pain that I'm in. How can that be? Only by the mercy of God, that's how. And that alone encourages me...knowing that His Spirit has worked in me over the years and growing in Him has meant a matured faith. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but a maturing faith has been a more secure mooring. 

     The sermon this week tied in beautifully with this trial, and more eloquently echoed many of the thoughts swirling around my head these past few weeks: the script for our lives has already been written. We can either trust God or attempt to do our own thing, but only one of those options will work. There are no surprises to God, and the story of our lives (His story) will be told exactly as He foretold. 

     I was encouraged as he spoke of Mary and Joseph's faith evidenced by how they did the next right thing. They did not know the significance of their actions, yet they obeyed. What would have happened if Joseph had (understandably) run away in his hurt and shock at finding out that Mary was pregnant, and not by him? What would have happened if he had decided that God's commands were too dangerous for his family and took them another route? Would he have been successful if he had taken matters into his own hands? Even little actions and little obediences have great significance in the larger story. There were unwanted changes to their plans, but they were not changes to God's plans. Mary and Joseph yielded and trusted God even when they didn't see the big picture. And this heartbreak, this "setback," is an opportunity for me to do the same. The script has been written. And all I have to do is trust that the Author, who loves me, knows the ending. There will be ups and downs, and many chapters that I don't want to live through - chapters that feel like a mistake. But there will be better chapters, too. And that is the beauty of a good story; it is a journey full of drama, heartbreak, and joy. But unlike fiction, we are guaranteed that the ending is a happy one. 

     I am truly thankful for eyes to see His protection in all of this. I am thankful that in a multitude of counselors there is safety, and I am especially thankful for the godly counsel He surrounded me with. I am thankful that the most painful decision was one mercifully made easier because of clarity and conviction. I am so, so thankful for His Word. It has been my comfort, my peace, and honestly, it's kept me sane. It's helped me put words to the grief and sorrow and given me a godly way to express all of the terrible and sad emotions I've had. I'm thankful for how this trial has brought me closer to the Lord. It's in great pain that we're often more likely to cry out to God and talk to Him, and that open communication has been a lifeline every day and night. 

     I am thankful for the gift of not doubting this time. I have not doubted that He still loves me. I have not doubted that He is sovereign and that He does good.

     I am thankful that He makes our worst nightmares bearable. I am thankful that in the middle of sorrow, I hold fast to His promises and believe them. I thank Him for giving me faith. I pray for greater hope. He is so kind that He will still give me His best, even though life isn't about me. Whether Elim is in this lifetime or the next, I know it's coming.