2020

     On January 1st, 2020, I felt an unusually heavy amount of discouragement and hopelessness over the future. There I was, staring at another blank year, unsure of what to do with my life, where to turn, which way to go. Lack of life direction had been a longstanding bother that had grown into a terribly heavy burden. I remember praying with more fervor and tears than usual that God would grant me direction regarding ministry, work, and what to do with my life. 

     That same day (or maybe the day after), I happened to be talking with an acquaintance about our similar experiences and heartache. She mentioned to me a class she'd taken that had encouraged and helped her a lot, saying that I would like it. Long story short, I looked up the class, the school, the program, the subjects, the purpose, and...I knew. For the first time in my entire life, I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew what I felt called to do. I saw that my natural giftings leaned in that direction. I saw that long-term, it was exactly what I needed to do to be adequately equipped for the ministry I wanted my life to be about. And someday, I'll write about how all of the dark places of my life led to this calling. The Lord's hand has been all over it, inside and out, backwards and forwards. He's confirmed that this is what I should do unlike anything in the past (because, quite frankly, nothing I did in the past was ever this right and sure). Unlike past endeavors, I've never for a moment gotten tired of it, felt unsure of its rightness, or lost interest. 

     This clarity and direction from God are gifts that I wouldn't have recognized if not for the desert years of wandering, wondering, and discouragement. I do not take them for granted. I am so, so thankful that just when I didn't think I could take it anymore, God made my path clear. And it's a path that I am passionate about and love dearly. It's a path that I pray God uses to spread the love and hope of Christ to others. I pray that I'll be an instrument to promote the unity, peace, and total devotion to Him that He calls us to pursue. 

     2020 was also the year that God answered my many prayers for a better job. Work had also been a source of significant discouragement, but in October, He literally dropped a job offer in my inbox. After years of difficult work circumstances, I now work at a Christian company with lovely coworkers and kind bosses. We laugh often and pray and read Scripture every day at lunch. I had the freedom to choose my hours, and mistakes and learning curves are always met with patience and a sense of humor. I don't even have to drive far to get there. I couldn't be more grateful for this unexpected gift. It's proof that although prolonged seasons of waiting are terribly difficult, God has something better in the works for us. He knew all along what the best job for me was and that it would be worth the wait.

     The Lord was also very kind to bring a few new friends into my life last year. Loneliness comes and goes in life, sometimes coming in strong, sad waves. I was knocked down by one of those waves last year, but halfway through, He gave me two godly, encouraging, kind friends. As I told one of them-I was starved for friendships, and God knew I needed them. To be honest, I can't remember if I prayed for friends last year or not. He knew anyway. They were a comfort and source of happiness to me many times.

     At some point during quarantine over the spring or summer, I remember reflecting on the fact that God had given me newfound courage in life. I've always been the kind to live in the shadows, which was in large part my own choice. Last year brought about the realization that life won't happen to me - I have to happen to it. This has had a monumental affect on how I view my life and the choices I make. I said yes to so many things in the last year that I previously would have run away from. I did things that were completely out of my comfort zone, like signing up for criticism, starting jobs and classes with the risk of failure, and making the first move in friendships. I am much more comfortable with the fact that I will answer to God about my life and no one else. The confidence that that has given me has been freeing. It may not seem like much (and in the grand scheme of things, isn't), but I can see that the Lord has changed me and I'm grateful. 

     Were there disappointments last year? Oh yes. Are there still unanswered prayers? Most definitely. God has convicted me in the last month or so of the importance of having a heart of thanksgiving. Grumbling may be a respectable sin, but it grieves our Lord. It also magnifies the trials of life and breeds discontent and unhappiness. So I am determined to see the good in life. Believe it or not, I approached the end of 2020 feeling sad and a bit disgruntled about various things. But one by one, God reminded me of the incredible marks of His goodness. He didn't have to bless me with new passions and goals (and the money and time to pursue them). He didn't have to bless me with good work, a new niece, another nephew, health, a family, comfort, laughter, money to tuck away, time to read good books, a dog to cuddle, or Oreos. But He did. I'm more aware this year that I just don't deserve any of it. Trying to wrap my head around why He's so good has left me with few words but, "Thank You."