Hindsight is 20/20

     21 was all kinds of brutal, from facing the possibility of Dad dying to the painful end of a relationship, wasting thousands of dollars on a bad car, and several bouts of horrible sickness. There were not days or weeks, but MONTHS of crying, aching, worrying, grieving, and stressing. I've struggled countless times to put the hardness of it all into words, but I'm beginning to realize that I don't need to, at least not right now. It was hard, and I spent too many nights, mornings, and every hour in between crying. I felt completely depleted for months at a time. I went through the motions of living a life, but not truly living. 

     It has just been in the last few weeks that God has decided to open my eyes to the mercy of all that I've been through. None of it would have been chosen by me, but it was chosen by an omniscient God who loves me more than I love myself. I would not have chosen the ICU floor of a hospital as a good place to be or crushing disappointment as a beneficial state to be in. But when they’re given by God, there’s nowhere better to be but the ICU, and there’s no better state to be occupied by but that of crushing disappointment. 

     I had really weak faith throughout the year. I was so afraid when it looked like Dad might die, so grieved and worried for our futures when he couldn’t communicate, so crushed and disappointed when the relationship ended, so upset when most of my savings were lost, so tired when sickness knocked me flat on my back. Looking back, it grieves me that I didn’t trust God like I should have. God knew that I needed to have everything that a broken heart entails in order to put my faith to the test. It’s easy to trust Him when you’re getting your way, but it’s a different story when everything you hold as good and sure in life is taken away suddenly. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that we’re honoring Him in a relationship or circumstance, and maybe we are, but it’s hard to acknowledge and understand when He wants us to honor Him in a different way - in my case, experiencing what felt like the removal of so many blessings in life. We don’t get to choose how our trust in His sovereignty plays out. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that His ways are not our ways.

     That was a bitter pill to swallow for many months, but God took a bitter pill and turned it into a wonderful, sweet mercy. He didn’t take good things from me; He saved me from things that were not His best for my life. He didn’t pick out the worst circumstances just for me; He picked out the very best ones. I’ve been slowly humbled as I realize how merciful He has been. He didn’t open my eyes to it right away. It’s been a long, slow process. Every day, I see something that I was blind to while in the lowest season of my life, whether it’s sin areas, how I really didn’t want what I had convinced myself I wanted, or a myriad of things pertaining to God, His character, and His word. 

     I can confidently say that all of this wouldn’t have been revealed to me if life had gone how I wanted it to this year. He is so merciful. He can change circumstances, yes, but more importantly, He can change me in the midst of bad circumstances. Even though I’ve been horrendously ungrateful, weak, and consumed by my own life, He still gives me nothing but His very best. 

     I’ve barely begun to fathom the fact that He loves me just because He chose me. Even if I could earn it, my effort wouldn’t be the reason for His love. How do you even comprehend that?? I can’t, but I know that it’s changing how I view my entire life. I still see trials as just that, because yes, a lot of things in life are really hard and there’s no need to deny it. But, He has showed me that everything, even the brutal things, are truly merciful and given by a God who brings glory to His name first and foremost, and who will not withhold anything good from His children. 

     I questioned what I believe this year. Does He really only give us His best? Is there some element of punishment in all of the trials? There were days, heartbroken, when it felt like maybe I had fallen through the cracks. The cycle of doubting, coming back to faith, realizing my weakness and failure, and knowing He still loves me and cares for me anyway has humbled me many times, as I realize that His love and care will never lessen. He has held onto me with a tight grip even when I did not hold tightly to Him. 

    He’s shown me that I’ve viewed trials wrongly my whole life. They’re not just to be endured. They’re not just to be compared to easier times. Maybe life isn't even supposed to be categorized as “hard” versus “easy,” or “sad” versus “happy.” All of life is up and down as far as circumstances go, but the Rock on which we stand will never budge, and if we truly believe in God's character and promises, our reactions to those circumstances can be peaceful, trusting ones. If there’s anything to be 100% sure of in life, it’s that we will never be forsaken by God. 

     That alone makes my future secure. I don’t need to worry about what the future holds because I am safe in Him. If (when) more hard things happen, they're because He's bringing glory to His name, and they're because He loves me. I can rest. I can stop fretting about things that haven’t happened yet, and I can stop grieving over things that did. I can discard the hurt caused by others, the weight of guilt, everything. I will surely fail again. I will probably worry and fight sadness and ingratitude, but He will give me new mercies every morning and the grace to continue to look to Him, knowing that where sin abounds, His grace abounds so much more. His mercy has fallen on every area of my life this year. In His mercy He's shown me that I play no part in my salvation, in my being loved and worthy. If I did, I'd be doomed! I don't contribute to my salvation by trying to be more spiritual or by working my hardest on self-improvement. I've gone down that road. It only leaves one hopeless. I just cling to Him in the hard times, remembering all He is and all He's done for me. He remembers I am but dust. He loves me anyway, with a love that will not just keep me from harm, but goes above and beyond in giving me what I need and sparing me from what I deserve. 

     Elisabeth Elliot said that, "God will not save you from anything that will make you more like Jesus.” That means that every brutal circumstance is an act of mercy and an act of love from God. We have one purpose here on earth: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, and in His sovereignty, trials often accomplish that more than living an easy life. I eagerly await a perfect eternity with my Savior. But until that day, I get to enjoy Him and I get to glorify Him with all that I am and do. Spurgeon wisely asks the question, "When you asked for great faith the other night, did you consider that you asked for great troubles, also? You cannot have great faith just to lay up and rust." It's taken all these things and more to show me that He is more valuable and desirable than comfort. If great troubles are what it takes to draw me to Him again and again, if they're what it takes to make me have deep fellowship with Him and experience a peace that doesn't make sense, then I welcome them with open arms. I choose to remember that my life is not about me. If pain and disappointment accomplish His purposes, then let there be pain and disappointment. If a broken heart causes me to be more like Him, then let my heart break a thousand times. On the hardest days this year, sometimes all I could think was, "He knows and He cares." He knows, and He cares. He sees your pain, He knows the anguish in your heart. He puts your tears into His bottle and they are in His book. In His sovereign way, it's all for a reason so much greater than anything we can see or understand. Whatever His plan is, I know that it is full of mercy and compassion towards us. He has never and will never give us less.

     “Although God does discipline or train us as the Master Teacher He is, His work in our lives is never punitive, it is always redemptive. This means that He doesn’t punish us for our sin, but rather that, because of His great love, He gently and lovingly frees us from the lies, misconceptions, and idolatries that capture and enslave our hearts. He never punishes us in wrath because He has no wrath left. Every drop of His wrath was all poured on on His Son.” 

Elyse Fitzpatrick

He put a rainbow in the sky on one of the hardest nights of my life.