thoughts on the last night of 2016

 I've been thinking back on this year. Most of it seems blurry and far away. I don't want to make any part of it seem more dramatic than it was. All in all, it was a good year. Even though I sadly can't remember a lot of the details, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was SO good to me and blessed me way, way more than I deserved. 

     My brother got engaged and then married. We found out that C & D were expecting another boy who will join us next month! I started seriously considering college and even took a few exams. I started working three days a week as well as taking on another side job, which allowed me to save more money than I ever had before. I had what I thought was a minor and temporary health issue in March, but after a visit to Urgent Care and the doctor, test results revealed nothing and I have dealt with discomfort, pain, and at times borderline misery almost every day since then. It has probably been the biggest  source of discouragement this year, to be honest. Still so thankful for mostly good health and safety, though.

     A hard, largely unspoken part of 2016 has been watching others' lives play out in front of me. People I care about went through really, really crappy things. It is not easy to watch helplessly from the sidelines. I felt truly inadequate in many ways. I couldn't fix sin, heal broken hearts, or slap sense into anyone. At times this year, I felt like I had prayed all I possibly could for certain people. I'm so thankful for people (especially my mom, who is a prayer warrior) for encouraging me to never stop praying, though. Prayer is not a lucky charm nor is it a last resort. It is so much more powerful than we even know. I started to understand that just a little bit more in 2016. 

     I read 30 good books this year and expanded my library more than I was expecting to. I did a book study on the subject of prayer with a special group of girls. I traveled to Missouri, Georgia, and Florida, but was mostly perfectly content to stay home and explore my own state. I did more exploring this year than I have before. I will always cherish the memories of walking down gorgeous dirt roads and hiking peaceful trails.

     I was disappointed countless times by friendships, or a lack thereof, but was always met with a determination to not give up on people, no matter how strongly I thought it was the better option. To quit fighting for friendships would have been understandable in some cases, but I could never bring myself to. I want to be a person who cares and loves people unconditionally. I also look in the mirror and see someone who has failed to be a good friend countless times, and realize that I am no better than the next. I attended a day long conference this year, and am so thankful for hearing what God knew I needed. There were many helpful things said that day, but the one sentence that hit me the hardest and the one I've recited over and over is this: "Loneliness is a good thing. Turn your loneliness into solitude, and your solitude into prayer." It gave me hope and clarity and comfort that whatever I may lack in friendships or any other area, I have so much more in God.

     That's what we learn over and over again every year, though, isn't it? And over and over again we think that things might fulfill us other than God Himself. We think that if our massive problems went away, life would be better. We think that if we weren't as physically miserable, we'd be able to glorify God in a better capacity. We think that if people treated us better, life would be easier and happier.

      I made a very deliberate effort in 2016 to be happier; to laugh as much as possible and find happiness in a lot of little things. Life is so much better that way. People will look at you and think that you don't understand hardships because you're too focused on good food and poetry and pretty pictures. There is so much joy in those things, though. If we think joy comes only when amazing relationships happen or we get the job of our dreams, we're going to be waiting a long time, aka forever. God has revealed this year that the small things are His gifts, too. I tried to be deliberately thankful for the little things in 2016 - laying on a bed with friends and laughing, eating a package of double stuffed Oreos, getting to ride bikes at the beach, music rehearsals, work, car rides, reading books with my nephew…the list goes on. It is incredibly cheesy to say, but these things are collectively a bigger deal than we realize. Life is mostly made up of small and normal moments. It's work to make sure that they never become stale, but it's worthwhile work. Sometimes choosing joy feels like a battle, either against yourself or the world or both, and in a lot of ways, it's always going to be a battle. But, if we never had to fight it, we'd never appreciate the vastness of God's joy once we conquer pessimism and ungratefulness.

     I think I may be rambling at this point, which is ironic, considering 2016 felt pretty random and weird a lot of the time. Through all of the confusing times, I know that God had such a massive purpose, and honestly, that is the biggest source of joy and hope. 2016 was just a dint in the grand scheme of things, but God had a purpose for every little thing that happened. What a comfort that is as we go into the new year in just a little over an hour. My prayers are with you, my friends.