V u l n e r a b i l i t y
I've been thinking about vulnerability a lot lately. It's something that's very near and dear to my heart.
I used to be embarrassed and somewhat ashamed whenever I cried in front of people. If we're being honest, I still do sometimes. I am a crier, and that's just how God made me. My heart can feel pierced so easily. For years, I've thought of it as a problem. Why do I cry more than my friends? I must have emotional issues or something. I even felt a little bad that I cried so much the day of my grandmother's funeral. I thought that I needed to be a grown up, and suck it up. Crying embarrassed me because just like that, everyone in the room could see that I was incapable of controlling my emotions. Even scarier, they were seeing the real me. The hurting one. I equated not crying with strength.
Yes, I believe there are times to be strong, to keep tears from falling and to have bravery. But I believe that there is bravery in showing your weakness, too. There is something very humbling about letting others see you at your weakest. No one is perfect, and pretending that you are is a futile cause. It is far too common and far too easy to put on a happy face in public. It's too easy to show up to church every week and pretend that everything in your life is awesome, even if it isn't. Why are we so afraid to show our true selves; to let others in? We're embarrassed to let people see us cry. We're embarrassed to let them see our dirty floors. We're especially embarrassed when they find out about our failures.
If it can be boiled down to one thing, I think that one thing is pride. Even though I pray for complete humility, deep down, my pride still wants people to like me. My pride wants people to think that I have it together more than I actually do. My pride wants people to think that I am stronger than shedding tears, struggling with courage, and being uncertain.
I am not stronger than those things. What little strength I have isn't even mine - it's God's. This is not my life and my story - it's His. Think about the people that you love. Think about the people whose stories have changed your life and pointed you towards Christ. They are not perfect people with perfect, problem-less stories. The people with the most convicting stories are the ones who have gone through deep, deep valleys and came out loving Jesus more than before. The people you admire are the ones who were brave enough to write about something that mattered, say something hard, do something with the risk of falling flat on their faces. People who appear perfect aren't inspiring. But people who are courageous enough to share about their hard times? They can be the tool God uses to bring someone closer to Him. In fact, I know they are.
I pray that I will have the strength to be honest even when it's hard. I pray that I won't hide behind a plastered-on smile every day, but know that there is beauty and grace in being vulnerable with God's people. Brokenness can bring us closer together, and closer to God. It is when you are at your weakest that you know the complete peace of resting in Jesus and trusting Him. Hard days aren't to be avoided. How can we appreciate the good ones if we haven't lived the bad ones? I am so thankful for my hard days. It is because of them that I've experienced His presence, His comfort, and His peace. It is because of hard days that I know that He can give me joy for no other reason than that I'm His, forever. I don't need perfect circumstances - I just need Him.
It's enough to make me cry. :)
I used to be embarrassed and somewhat ashamed whenever I cried in front of people. If we're being honest, I still do sometimes. I am a crier, and that's just how God made me. My heart can feel pierced so easily. For years, I've thought of it as a problem. Why do I cry more than my friends? I must have emotional issues or something. I even felt a little bad that I cried so much the day of my grandmother's funeral. I thought that I needed to be a grown up, and suck it up. Crying embarrassed me because just like that, everyone in the room could see that I was incapable of controlling my emotions. Even scarier, they were seeing the real me. The hurting one. I equated not crying with strength.
Yes, I believe there are times to be strong, to keep tears from falling and to have bravery. But I believe that there is bravery in showing your weakness, too. There is something very humbling about letting others see you at your weakest. No one is perfect, and pretending that you are is a futile cause. It is far too common and far too easy to put on a happy face in public. It's too easy to show up to church every week and pretend that everything in your life is awesome, even if it isn't. Why are we so afraid to show our true selves; to let others in? We're embarrassed to let people see us cry. We're embarrassed to let them see our dirty floors. We're especially embarrassed when they find out about our failures.
If it can be boiled down to one thing, I think that one thing is pride. Even though I pray for complete humility, deep down, my pride still wants people to like me. My pride wants people to think that I have it together more than I actually do. My pride wants people to think that I am stronger than shedding tears, struggling with courage, and being uncertain.
I am not stronger than those things. What little strength I have isn't even mine - it's God's. This is not my life and my story - it's His. Think about the people that you love. Think about the people whose stories have changed your life and pointed you towards Christ. They are not perfect people with perfect, problem-less stories. The people with the most convicting stories are the ones who have gone through deep, deep valleys and came out loving Jesus more than before. The people you admire are the ones who were brave enough to write about something that mattered, say something hard, do something with the risk of falling flat on their faces. People who appear perfect aren't inspiring. But people who are courageous enough to share about their hard times? They can be the tool God uses to bring someone closer to Him. In fact, I know they are.
I pray that I will have the strength to be honest even when it's hard. I pray that I won't hide behind a plastered-on smile every day, but know that there is beauty and grace in being vulnerable with God's people. Brokenness can bring us closer together, and closer to God. It is when you are at your weakest that you know the complete peace of resting in Jesus and trusting Him. Hard days aren't to be avoided. How can we appreciate the good ones if we haven't lived the bad ones? I am so thankful for my hard days. It is because of them that I've experienced His presence, His comfort, and His peace. It is because of hard days that I know that He can give me joy for no other reason than that I'm His, forever. I don't need perfect circumstances - I just need Him.
It's enough to make me cry. :)
Comments