I remember

I pulled out my prayer journal this morning as I've felt like God wanted me to start writing again after a long break. One of the last entries was from November 18, 2023: 

"I had said in my alarm, 'I am cut off from your sight. But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.' -Ps. 31:22

Lord, there are times where I feel cut off from your sight, destined to live on the outskirts of community. It hurts to be lonely, to see others' prayers so quickly answered, to lack good desires fulfilled, companionship, and friendship. It hurts. Will I take the good but not the bad from your hand? I pray for hope, and hope that is finally fulfilled, not deferred. I pray that you will hear my prayers and grant me a loving + godly husband soon. Do not forget about me, Lord. Please grant me a family of my own. I pray for hope, contentment, and joy. I can't muster them up myself. Thank you for hearing this prayer and all the others. Thank you for working when I can't see. I pray for patience. Forgive me for my feelings of frustration and hopelessness. Forgive me for my pride and fear that I will live forgotten and alone. Lord, help me to live in my identity in you and please deliver me from my fear of man and being deeply bothered when I don't have their approval. I pray for strength and maturity in this area, and that I will be free from this bondage in humility. Free me from false guilt - and real guilt. Help me to always look to you and what you've done for me."

I wrote many entries similar to this one, where all I could do with my raw pain and many questions was write them down for God. It was so helpful at the time in untangling a mess of thoughts and feelings and directing them where they needed to go. These entries do, of course, stick out to me now in contrast to my current life. 

God answered my desperate prayers. He gave me a husband, and now He's given us a child who I just felt move inside of me. God took the sad and lonely girl and gave her a family. He answered her prayers. I look at this ultrasound picture and I remember. I remember the years of wiping my wet eyes so that I could see my journal well enough to write God. A theme in Scripture is remembering Him. I remember.