Living in the light

      "I've learned so much about myself" used to be a statement that I didn't really get; I thought I already knew myself quite intimately. God has been showing me otherwise in the last few months. I have come to realize that I was rarely truly honest with others on a deep level. I have come to realize that I did not know how to communicate my thoughts or feelings, because I didn't really know them myself. I see how that in some scenarios, while I'd never deliberately lie, there was so much that I didn't even realize I wasn't saying. I remember hearing a counselor ask his counselee, "What's the one thing you decided on the way here that you wouldn't tell me?" I think about that a lot. And I realized that there were quite a few "won't say out loud" things for me.

     Recently, I reached out to someone who stopped being my friend and I had no idea why. It had gnawed at me for months. I asked for her side of the story, but I also told her mine. I told her the specific ways that it had hurt. And I realized that that alone was a huge deal. There is so much that I normally just do not say, and the thing is - I haven't even realized that there's so much I'm not saying. What goes unsaid is locked deep within me, and it doesn't do anyone any good. It sits there stale and untouched, useless at best and a dagger in my heart at worst.

     I shared a struggle with Patrick at the dinner table last week, and it took us both by surprise. Normally, I wouldn't have mentioned it because it wouldn't have crossed my mind to mention it.

     I told him something that bothered me a few nights ago, and it brought us clarity and a greater closeness. What if I had done what I always do and kept it to myself thinking that it was somehow more noble to do so?

     One of our many conversations regarding the future led to an unpacking of the past, family, relationships, all of it. Patrick gives me the gift of letting me talk, listening, asking thoughtful questions, and validating what I say with compassion. It is in this context that I have voiced thoughts and emotions never expressed before, made new connections and realizations, and come to truly understand what it means to learn more about yourself. What I've learned is that learning more about yourself really means learning more about a whole lot of things and how to think about them in good and right ways. We have many layers, and we can't get to them if we're not willing to speak about them. 

     What comes so easily for some people - pouring their thoughts and emotions out freely - is something I didn't even realize I held back. I think I know the reasons why I do, and I'll hold them close for now. But I welcome the freedom this growth has brought me. Freedom to have a voice, to say what should be said, to show that I too have feelings and thoughts and am affected by things, to open myself up to people thus bringing us closer, to walk in greater freedom of who I am in Christ, and...to grow and learn more about myself, which has already proven healing and helpful in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

     I want to be a person who lives in the light. That visual has always inspired me. Bought and redeemed by the blood of Christ, I already do! But I want to be someone who lives like it. Part of that, in my mind, is a spirit freed from self-consciousness and a tongue loosed from fear of man and self-imposed individualism.